i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
