hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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