I wish you could order shots online.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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