Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
