did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
