How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
