You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I need moral support for this bender
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
