I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
