I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
