I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
