Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
