I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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