I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
