The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
