Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
