hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
