she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
