I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I love having hate sex.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
