Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
