god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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