I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
