Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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