Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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