I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
