I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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