Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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