I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
