my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
