You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
