Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
