I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
