I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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