I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
