they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
