sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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