totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
