I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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