no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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