my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
