Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
