I wish my penis had an off switch
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
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