We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
