I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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