I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
