dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
