Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
