Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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