I puked a lego.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
