every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
