I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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