I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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